My Name is Faith

Humans are full of unexplainable feelings. We have so many feelings that we give name to such as happiness, sorrow, anger, fear, love and many more yet there are lots remain unnamed. What do you call it when you feel that something is missing but not sure what? What do you call it when you feel upset yet sad yet glad? What do you call it when you crave for something you will never?

I don’t get it still, this is why I am in the lowest rank

“White, don’t space out”

I turn around to see my teacher behind me, looking holy as usual. Well, he is an Archangel. That’s high rank angels! Kinda like what humans call “Important people”. I sighed, “I don’t understand humans. The academy assigned me this particular girl but I still can’t solve her problems!”

“What’s her problems, son?”

“In short…”

I start to describe everything to my teacher…

There is this human girl. Not so young, not old either. In our realm it is around…two hours? But for her it is around 20 of years. Yeah, time difference. Kinda like GMT and UTC. Surprised by my knowledge of human realm? Ha! I am proud!

Anyway, she is one curious case. She is like so many people in one body, I don’t know what her problem is. The girl wakes up every morning and checks her phone first. Sometimes she texts back her friends, sometimes she plays songs while rolling around on bed, sometimes she plays this social media that is famous among humans… Ins…insta, oh yeah Instagram.

Then she would finally get up, get out of her bedroom and drink a cup of water. Afterwards she would do house chores, feed her hamsters and do light sports. By light sports I mean she would turn on some Asian language pop songs famous in human realm. Then she would start dancing. Or at least she tried. Just randomly moving her body, no choreography at all. Sometimes she laughs at her own dance and I always laugh along with her.

She prefers sweet treats for breakfast. Afterwards she bathes, prepares for her education trainings. “University” it’s called I believe. When she reaches university, she studies very hard. The girl gets depressed easily when there are hard subjects but also does very well in those she excels. She is witty, random and funny. She makes her friends laugh. She is like that person everyone love and secretly envy.

Her professors like her, she has this confidence and actual brain to back it up. She is well known around campus. After studies, she works part time as an editor in a publisher. Then it is very different, the college girl and the office worker. She is hardworking, she secretly cries sometimes in the bathroom when problems occur. The problems are usually not by her, but by subordinates yet she blames herself. She is one strict team leader, brain of all activities and barking orders to subordinates. Yet she is sweet and occasionally buy donuts for the whole office. Strict yet caring.

At home she is quiet, she doesn’t talk much unless required. She is clumsy and always in need of attention. She is a good sister and a good daughter, whom everyone finds when they have problems. She would lend an ear, and never have anyone to do the same. When she is in distress, all her family members shrug it off as young age and saying “You think too much”. She just gets bitter when she hears that and just go to sleep. She is calm and melancholy.

 

She has many friends and I can tell you for sure she loves people. She tries to always make things fun. Her friends love her….Or do they? Exactly, that is how the girl thinks. She fears being secretly hated, being backstabbed. She had painful experiences. She is traumatized and hurt

And she is afraid to invest any affection to any of her communities yet she wants to get warm at the same time. She wants to have a strong bond but afraid it backfires. When you shoot heavy firearms, the recoil can dislocate your arms and it hurts so damn much. She is a risk taker and a coward at the same time. She starts, then gets scared midway.

Getting dark? This is only getting to the good part

Sometimes she hangs out with her friends and laugh too much then goes home with a tired face. She starts to worry what people think about her, why she made corny jokes, why she was so extra. She depresses

And usually when she is depressed, some less depressed friends seek her for advices. She gives very good advises and her friends sleep well after thanking her. Her? She plays slow songs and just space out while singing. At those times, she looks so vulnerable that I just wish I could hug her. But she can’t even see me.

She is very proud of herself. She tells herself, “ I am pretty, skilled, qualified and star quality!”. Until the depression strikes, she tells herself “I am ugly, nothing special, dumb”. Don’t get me started when she envies women that are greater than her. Prettier, more successful, talented...

She knows it is wrong to envy so she prays to God and says, “But not everyone is so blessed with your grace. I should be thankful to know Lord”

The girl would suddenly for no reasons lose interest in replying any texts, she is just…tired and broken. She wants to just lie down listening to sad music. On those days, she does not feel like doing anything including waking up. She does her activities like a zombie and she is just tired.

The silly girl is afraid of the future. She is afraid of everything yet and may not to happen. She fears things without knowing what she truly fears. It may be fear of oblivion that nobody remembers her anymore. She wants a place where she really belongs because she feels there is none. She has no plans for future and it scares her terribly.

She has a dream, one that is impossible to achieve because of several conditions. She never gives up but sometimes it just tiring to be stuck only in one maze. She gives up occasionally.

She wants to make her parents proud, but she is the exact opposite of what her family wants for her. She is not gorgeous physically or as skilled as the rest of her family members. She does not have much achievements. And she hates that, it suffocates her. She wants to be greater, but she does not know what to do. She has always done her best in her life but she just doesn’t know what she is truly good at.

She doesn’t know what she wants in life. She is a lost lamb

So many people around yet so lonely

So many smiles yet all lies

So many happy Instagram posts of brave captions yet she’s a coward

So confident yet so insecure

So beautiful yet so hideous at the same time

So optimistic yet antisocial pessimist

So eager to try new things yet a prisoner of fear of past

Stuck running in circles, finding a way out. What do I do with you, little girl? What can I do for you when I am not sure anymore? Here I am beside you tonight. It’s raining and cold, and you are crying. I am too.

She wails, he cries sound more like a deep wailing muffled by a thick pillow. Her whole body trembles and tense. Nothing I can do but watch over her

Then a few days after, she will wake up feeling better and decide it is time to stop being depressed. She will be even stronger, braver, more cheerful, prettier… Yeah, for a time. After that she is back. The cycle never ends.

Her eyes always tear up whenever she asks herself, “Where do I belong?”

***

“I cry many times, I cannot answer her questions nor do anything.”

My teacher just smiles, “Son-What does she need exactly?”

“A place to belong?”

“It is something simpler, more specific”

“Someone to understand her?”

“This is not anyone else’s problems”

“A family member to love her?”

“Close but not quite”

I thought hard and long. And I sigh, I say to the teacher “She is suffering because she loves herself. She wants to love herself to be more precise. But she does not know how, she sees so many flaws in her. Am I right?”

“Continue, son”

“ She loses confidence, she thinks of herself as nothing. She… wants a reason to exist. She wants a reason to live”

“Now you have your answer, son”

“ A purpose to live… An adjective to define herself, a clear knowledge of who she actually is”

“So what does she need?”

“…A reason to exist”

After saying that I break down in tears, I fly to the human realm. She is staring at the walls, her eyes wet. I know she can never see me or feel or hear me and yet I hug her tight.

“I am here”

”Please… Keep existing for me… For all of us who loves you”

She says nothing, she hears nothing. Another teardrop falls, rain still pours down… 

But I have faith in her. She will stand up again and smile soon. She will break down again someday, and I will hug her again that time.

Until that time comes when you can love yourself more than anyone else,

When you can laugh loud whenever hearing the word “Depression”,

When you love life to its fullest,

I am gonna be by your side

You are me, and I am you. We are two sides of coins, light and dark. You are never alone. Let me be your strength.

I hear heavens chime, a sound ringing out loud : “White, angel apprentice no 4709, we have seen your evaluation and we know you have reached a conclusion to leave heaven and stay with this girl accompanying her throughout her life. You shall be a part of her. What will your name be?”

I smile

“Faith”

Have faith, what’s a day without night? But sun will rise for sure. Have faith, always. I will be your light in the dark, the power you never realize you have, I am always here for you

I exist for your very existing,

So please keep existing for me

I have faith in you, so please have faith in me.