My Name is Faith

Humans are full of unexplainable feelings. We have so many feelings that we give name to such as happiness, sorrow, anger, fear, love and many more yet there are lots remain unnamed. What do you call it when you feel that something is missing but not sure what? What do you call it when you feel upset yet sad yet glad? What do you call it when you crave for something you will never?

I don’t get it still, this is why I am in the lowest rank

“White, don’t space out”

I turn around to see my teacher behind me, looking holy as usual. Well, he is an Archangel. That’s high rank angels! Kinda like what humans call “Important people”. I sighed, “I don’t understand humans. The academy assigned me this particular girl but I still can’t solve her problems!”

“What’s her problems, son?”

“In short…”

I start to describe everything to my teacher…

There is this human girl. Not so young, not old either. In our realm it is around…two hours? But for her it is around 20 of years. Yeah, time difference. Kinda like GMT and UTC. Surprised by my knowledge of human realm? Ha! I am proud!

Anyway, she is one curious case. She is like so many people in one body, I don’t know what her problem is. The girl wakes up every morning and checks her phone first. Sometimes she texts back her friends, sometimes she plays songs while rolling around on bed, sometimes she plays this social media that is famous among humans… Ins…insta, oh yeah Instagram.

Then she would finally get up, get out of her bedroom and drink a cup of water. Afterwards she would do house chores, feed her hamsters and do light sports. By light sports I mean she would turn on some Asian language pop songs famous in human realm. Then she would start dancing. Or at least she tried. Just randomly moving her body, no choreography at all. Sometimes she laughs at her own dance and I always laugh along with her.

She prefers sweet treats for breakfast. Afterwards she bathes, prepares for her education trainings. “University” it’s called I believe. When she reaches university, she studies very hard. The girl gets depressed easily when there are hard subjects but also does very well in those she excels. She is witty, random and funny. She makes her friends laugh. She is like that person everyone love and secretly envy.

Her professors like her, she has this confidence and actual brain to back it up. She is well known around campus. After studies, she works part time as an editor in a publisher. Then it is very different, the college girl and the office worker. She is hardworking, she secretly cries sometimes in the bathroom when problems occur. The problems are usually not by her, but by subordinates yet she blames herself. She is one strict team leader, brain of all activities and barking orders to subordinates. Yet she is sweet and occasionally buy donuts for the whole office. Strict yet caring.

At home she is quiet, she doesn’t talk much unless required. She is clumsy and always in need of attention. She is a good sister and a good daughter, whom everyone finds when they have problems. She would lend an ear, and never have anyone to do the same. When she is in distress, all her family members shrug it off as young age and saying “You think too much”. She just gets bitter when she hears that and just go to sleep. She is calm and melancholy.

 

She has many friends and I can tell you for sure she loves people. She tries to always make things fun. Her friends love her….Or do they? Exactly, that is how the girl thinks. She fears being secretly hated, being backstabbed. She had painful experiences. She is traumatized and hurt

And she is afraid to invest any affection to any of her communities yet she wants to get warm at the same time. She wants to have a strong bond but afraid it backfires. When you shoot heavy firearms, the recoil can dislocate your arms and it hurts so damn much. She is a risk taker and a coward at the same time. She starts, then gets scared midway.

Getting dark? This is only getting to the good part

Sometimes she hangs out with her friends and laugh too much then goes home with a tired face. She starts to worry what people think about her, why she made corny jokes, why she was so extra. She depresses

And usually when she is depressed, some less depressed friends seek her for advices. She gives very good advises and her friends sleep well after thanking her. Her? She plays slow songs and just space out while singing. At those times, she looks so vulnerable that I just wish I could hug her. But she can’t even see me.

She is very proud of herself. She tells herself, “ I am pretty, skilled, qualified and star quality!”. Until the depression strikes, she tells herself “I am ugly, nothing special, dumb”. Don’t get me started when she envies women that are greater than her. Prettier, more successful, talented...

She knows it is wrong to envy so she prays to God and says, “But not everyone is so blessed with your grace. I should be thankful to know Lord”

The girl would suddenly for no reasons lose interest in replying any texts, she is just…tired and broken. She wants to just lie down listening to sad music. On those days, she does not feel like doing anything including waking up. She does her activities like a zombie and she is just tired.

The silly girl is afraid of the future. She is afraid of everything yet and may not to happen. She fears things without knowing what she truly fears. It may be fear of oblivion that nobody remembers her anymore. She wants a place where she really belongs because she feels there is none. She has no plans for future and it scares her terribly.

She has a dream, one that is impossible to achieve because of several conditions. She never gives up but sometimes it just tiring to be stuck only in one maze. She gives up occasionally.

She wants to make her parents proud, but she is the exact opposite of what her family wants for her. She is not gorgeous physically or as skilled as the rest of her family members. She does not have much achievements. And she hates that, it suffocates her. She wants to be greater, but she does not know what to do. She has always done her best in her life but she just doesn’t know what she is truly good at.

She doesn’t know what she wants in life. She is a lost lamb

So many people around yet so lonely

So many smiles yet all lies

So many happy Instagram posts of brave captions yet she’s a coward

So confident yet so insecure

So beautiful yet so hideous at the same time

So optimistic yet antisocial pessimist

So eager to try new things yet a prisoner of fear of past

Stuck running in circles, finding a way out. What do I do with you, little girl? What can I do for you when I am not sure anymore? Here I am beside you tonight. It’s raining and cold, and you are crying. I am too.

She wails, he cries sound more like a deep wailing muffled by a thick pillow. Her whole body trembles and tense. Nothing I can do but watch over her

Then a few days after, she will wake up feeling better and decide it is time to stop being depressed. She will be even stronger, braver, more cheerful, prettier… Yeah, for a time. After that she is back. The cycle never ends.

Her eyes always tear up whenever she asks herself, “Where do I belong?”

***

“I cry many times, I cannot answer her questions nor do anything.”

My teacher just smiles, “Son-What does she need exactly?”

“A place to belong?”

“It is something simpler, more specific”

“Someone to understand her?”

“This is not anyone else’s problems”

“A family member to love her?”

“Close but not quite”

I thought hard and long. And I sigh, I say to the teacher “She is suffering because she loves herself. She wants to love herself to be more precise. But she does not know how, she sees so many flaws in her. Am I right?”

“Continue, son”

“ She loses confidence, she thinks of herself as nothing. She… wants a reason to exist. She wants a reason to live”

“Now you have your answer, son”

“ A purpose to live… An adjective to define herself, a clear knowledge of who she actually is”

“So what does she need?”

“…A reason to exist”

After saying that I break down in tears, I fly to the human realm. She is staring at the walls, her eyes wet. I know she can never see me or feel or hear me and yet I hug her tight.

“I am here”

”Please… Keep existing for me… For all of us who loves you”

She says nothing, she hears nothing. Another teardrop falls, rain still pours down… 

But I have faith in her. She will stand up again and smile soon. She will break down again someday, and I will hug her again that time.

Until that time comes when you can love yourself more than anyone else,

When you can laugh loud whenever hearing the word “Depression”,

When you love life to its fullest,

I am gonna be by your side

You are me, and I am you. We are two sides of coins, light and dark. You are never alone. Let me be your strength.

I hear heavens chime, a sound ringing out loud : “White, angel apprentice no 4709, we have seen your evaluation and we know you have reached a conclusion to leave heaven and stay with this girl accompanying her throughout her life. You shall be a part of her. What will your name be?”

I smile

“Faith”

Have faith, what’s a day without night? But sun will rise for sure. Have faith, always. I will be your light in the dark, the power you never realize you have, I am always here for you

I exist for your very existing,

So please keep existing for me

I have faith in you, so please have faith in me.

Chances

Have you ever thought about what would happen if you have stayed just a bit longer on that bench while munching Subway sandwich?

Have you ever thought about how that person  with beautiful smile actually felt about you back then? Have you ever thought about what would happen if you hadn’t left?

Have you  ever thought about what is real and what is fiction? Have you ever thought whether people around you are fortune tellers, or you are actually extremely easy to read?

Have you ever thought about what would happen if you had  made another decision that time?

Imagine and reflect on it. Yes -Regret, amusement, curiosity-I can  see there are many emotions mixed up in you right now. You say nothing yet your eyes speak the truth

No, darling, I am not reading your mind. I am merely here to tell you  that each decision made will contribute another page of your story. Like how each drop of ink will taint a sheet of white paper. But so what? Papers are meant to be written on , it is pure white for a sole reason – to be tainted. It is up to you to lead each strokes of your brush, to draw a beautiful painting.

Life is actually beautiful because of the chances

Just think about it, one simplest silliest idea may change the whole world. Or at least your world. So I am here to offer a hand, for you to quit that dark room and stand here. Do not be afraid to take a step, do not fear the future.

I know, I know it hurts. To never get what you love, to always fail, to always experiencing the same misery, to stand back and looking at others’ lives going well. Take a step with me and let’s gamble our lives once again. It will get better

It will when you believe

Love yourself, you are the only one who can change your own life

And someday, when you are there, you will collect your broken heart pieces and put them as a whole again. You will not even want to die or run anymore. You will wake up loving life. So, Never stop.

Life is ahead of  us.

Let’s go

Roasted Sweet Potato

I personally love rural towns, away from big city’s crowds and fast pace. Even now while I’m inside a train and everything passes so rapidly, I love the green trees and blue sky. It brings bliss to my heart. With acoustic music playing in my earphone, the train advances rapidly to my hometown.

The hometown I once left

And I will leave again after my short vacation is over.

My mind drifts off to years ago…

Years ago,

 

“I’m so bored, mom!”, I nagged. “Miwa-chan is on vacation to Tokyo and Sawa-chan joins school summer camping. Why am I stuck at home?”

Mom sighed,”Yuki… Don’t complain so much. You know your little brother is sickly and I need to work… I hope you understand. After all, your dad…”

Whenever she mentioned about dad, mom always looked so sad. “I understand, mom”. She chuckled and ruffled through my hair, ”But today I am on leave. Although I have to take care of Toshio, you can go and explore the town. I will cook your favorite dish tonight, be back before 6 and don’t wander into the woods”

I nodded in agreement and stuffed some things into my small red bagpack. Two bars of wafers, a bottle of drinking water, 500 yen, bunny doll and home key. “I’m off, mom!”

“Have fun!”

That’s what she said…But where am I supposed to go? I thought to myself as I explored the small town. I headed to the shopping district and looked around. The shopping district looked same as always, full of different stores. There were liquor store, bakery, antique store, manju and dango store, grocery store and many more…

I was drawn by the smell of roasted sweet potato. Mrs Kurosawa laughed, “Ara… Yuki-chan? Wandering around alone to fill your summer holiday?”
“Good day, Mrs Kurosawa. Yes, I am a wanderer”

“Here, have a sweet potato. It’s on the house today”, she happily handed me

“Waaaaaah, thank you!”

I happily glomped on the treat and walked happily until I reached a park. I sat on one of the swings and ate. Then I heard someone crying. Hesitantly, I stood up and looked around but there was nobody around. I looked behind the huge tree at the park and saw a boy crouching and crying.

I said “a boy” but he was probably a few years older than me. He looked around junior high. My teacher once said boys don’t cry much so he must have been sick or hungry. I wasn’t sure what to do so I came to him and crouched while offering my sweet potato,

“Ummm… Are you hungry? Do you want some sweet potato? We can share”

Startled, he lifted his face and stared at me. One thing I noticed was his hair-it was purely black as ebony. Even the bright sunlight didn’t turn his hair into a brownish colour. He was wearing T-shirt and jeans, clutching a cellphone. 

The boy wiped his tears away, “I-I’m alright”

“Then why were you crying?”

“…It’s nothing, my stomach just hurts”, said the boy after seconds of silence. I split the sweet potato into halves and gave him the one without bite marks. “No, I couldn’t possibly…” he muttered as he shook his head. “Please eat it and cheer up… I cannot finish it alone anyway. A-and it’s on the house”

He chuckled lightly, ”Then I will accept your kindness”. We both stood up and moved to the swings where we sat and started eating.

“So, Oni-chan…”

“Ah, just call me Ryu. We don’t look many years apart”

“Umm.. Ryu-san?”

Ryu smiled, “Just Ryu is enough”

I pondered a bit and spoke,”I don’t think I have seen you before…”. Ryu chewed his sweet potato before answering,”I am on summer vacation at my grandpa’s place. I don’t have any parents after all… So on vacations I visit him”. His answer caught me off guard and I immediately apologized, “A-ah…I am sorry”.

He shook his head, “Don’t be. It is not like you did anything wrong anyway”

I listened to his story about how he lost his parents in a car accident last year (so it wasn't about stomachache...) and lived with his aunt in Tokyo.  He told me about his school, his soccer club activities, life in Tokyo. Being someone who had never left this small town, I was drawn into his story. Ryu then stopped as if he had realized something, “Ah… Sorry for keep babbling. You must be bored, huh? Tell me about yourself”

“I have no interesting story. My name is Yuki and I’m 12. I hate my name though, it makes me sound like a cold person”

Ryu stared at me for a few seconds and smiled, “But I like your name. Yuki as in snow right? Snow may be cold but I love it. The coldness snow brings give me warmth. It’s the same feeling when you open your front door on a snowy day. It makes me think that maybe I should try building a snowman or start warming the kotatsu. Another idea is to prepare for hot nabe dinner. Also snow is identical with Christmas and holidays. It is very heartwarming”

I never thought of that before, I inwardly admitted .

“So chin up, Yuki. I for one, think you too are a nice person”

“T-thanks…”

Since then, we played together a lot during summer break. Whenever mom didn’t have work, I’d use our house phone to call Ryu and we would then hang out together. Ryu had lots of stories about his life, like that one time he visited a foreign country called Indonesia  or when his parents once brought home an abandoned puppy.

Ryu was like a thick storybook full of amazing stories. I was never bored when I was with him and he never seemed to mind my boring stories like how I caught dragonflies when I was little or how my mom scolded me harshly because I wandered into the woods alone. Ryu was my center of universe.

Whenever summer ended, he would go back to Tokyo and sometimes sent me letters. Waiting for his letters were one of the exciting part in my life. We wrote about school, friends, sending each other pictures of beautiful things around us such as the flowers in my garden or a cup of parfait in Tokyo’s dessert café. Then every summer, he would come and we would be together again.

Before I realized, I enrolled into junior high and Ryu was in high school. Our worlds were even closer and we had a lot of similar stories. My feelings never changed, he was still my center of universe. For some reasons, he often mentioned that he had so many thoughts swirling in him and sometimes he just missed our tiny town where he could be himself.

I too, idolized the lifestyle he had. It just sounded so cool

We met again in the summer. Year by year, he looked different. His height always increased and his chest wider. When Ryu spoke, his voice was always calm and low… I loved his voice. Before I knew it, I started to stare at him. His calm eyes and smile, hair blowing in the wind. I wasn’t sure why but I wanted Ryu to just stay in this town. His gaze had always been melancholy but it was a part of him that I was used to.

“You’re prettier year by year,” Ryu blushed as he said that. “I don’t think I can still see you as the little sister anymore”. I felt happy when I heard that. Ryu too, was special. I have some friends in my school but none were like him.

Ryu understood me and always knew what to say, when I was down he would cheer me up in just a few lines in his letter and if it was summer, he would just stay beside me and say nothing. There were times I broke down and all he did was say nothing and just embrace me. And I knew Ryu well. Whenever he was down, I’d try my best to cheer him up.

I finally turned 15 and my mother gave me a present- it was a cute pink cellphone. I was so excited and sent him a letter to give him my number. Then we texted a lot, sometimes until midnight and we both fell asleep. The topic was still about our lives; how he struggled on test or how I loved high school’s uniform, about our club activities, the nasty curry in his school’s cafeteria, Mrs Kurosawa launching a new menu (Roasted potato this time) and many more…

However…

That summer, Ryu never came.

My texts were also replied in a very short way and sometimes took days before he finally replied. Ryu said that he was very busy because of college entrance exam and many other matters. I understood, but I felt lonely.

I did really feel lonely

Winter came and I hadn’t heard from him for almost a month. My heart was filled with fear that he was in trouble or maybe sick… Another part of me felt scared that maybe he just didn’t want to be my friend anymore or that he hates me now.

One snowy afternoon, my phone rang

“Hello?”

“Yuki, this is Ryu”

“R-Ryu! Where have you been? Are you okay?”

“Yeah… I am actually in your town right now. In the woods”

“At this time of year? I-I will come and meet you!”

Without hesitation, I grabbed my coat and ran out of the house ignoring my mom asking where I was going. My legs had memorized the way to the woods we often explored together. And I knew he would wait near a pond and a big tree. I passed through the shopping street and stopped when I smelled sweet potato.

I bought two and ran to the woods. Near the pond, Ryu was there. He looked even taller and more handsome now. He sat on a huge stone and chuckled, “Hey”. I didn’t understand what I felt. I was so glad to see him. I wanted to just rush to him and hug him but my logic stopped me.

“I… brought sweet potatoes”

“Sweet potatoes, eh? Brings back memories. Here, there’s another big rock beside me, sit down”

We sat side by side and for a long time said nothing. We just ate. Like the first time we met. Ryu sighed, “I’m sorry I couldn’t visit this summer. I was in extensive course for university exam”
“T-That’s okay, really! I understand”

He sighed again, “I should be studying now but I just had to see you before I leave”

“S-so are you on vacation?”’

Ryu was quiet, then he spoke, “My grandfather’s funeral was yesterday… “

His words pierced through me like a block of cold ice. “Please… Accept my condolences”

“It is alright, he left in peace. I just…Miss him“

I couldn’t say anything, so I just hugged him tight. “I’m here,” I muttered. He didn’t say a word, just nodded. Minutes passed, an hour passed. Still in my embrace Ryu spoke, ”I’m sorry, Yuki… This might probably the last time we met…”

I thought my heart had stopped at that time

“Ryu…?”

“Now that he is gone… My aunt is moving to United States… And I am coming”

“But…Ryu! You are an adult, you don’t have to follow her!” –I know I was sounding selfish but it was an outburst I couldn’t control. I wanted to always be with Ryu

“You know what, Yuki? Ever since I met you, my world was way brighter. I hated my life ever since my parents left me but you always listen to me with your innocent smile. You were the center of my universe, I felt that I was actually living a good life whenever you happily responded to my stories. For a moment, I could forget all my boring problems…”

“No… Your stories are always interesting,” I tried to keep myself from crying

He continued,“I waited for summer and glad each seasons passed. I began watching signs of seasons; the first buds of spring, cicadas emerging in summer, falling leaves in autumn and first snow of winter. Before I realized, I found my dream –I wanted to learn about sky and beyond, about meteorology… And for that dream, I want to go to the States too”

I was in loss of words

“…And my aunt is a widow, I can’t leave her alone. She has done so much for me”

He sighed and pulled away from me, pulled out a necklace and wrapped it around my neck. It was a cute pendant shaped like roasted potato. “I thought my life was worthless and I had no dream but you changed my world. And for that I really am indebted to you. You saved me”

I just stared at him

“You’re beautiful, really. I keep all the pictures you sent to me. But I must go… And I don’t want to be selfish asking you to wait. It might take my whole life before I succeed… And you deserve to live a happy life, not just waiting for me like you’ve always done all these years”

“Ryu, I…”

Before I could say another word, he pulled me into a deep kiss. My tears rolled through my cheeks as my mind flashed back to all the fun time we spent. He then pulled away

“I love you… I hope you will ever forgive me…”

Ryu had tears in his eyes. He smiled and stood up, then left. I was dumbfounded and speechless. For hours, I just sat there and stared at nothing. My hand clutched the pendant hard and I broke into tears

To nobody, I screamed alone in the woods

“I…I love you too!!!!”

Why didn’t I say it back to him? Why didn’t I chase his back and hugged him again? Why didn’t I? Regret slammed me and left me breathless. That was the last time and I would never see him again, I couldn’t accept that!

It took me a year before I recovered from my depression. I kept sending texts and letters, knowing that they would never reach him. I understood that he didn’t want to bind me because it was selfish, I understood his hardships and how painful it was for him.

But I wanted to be with him

He was my everything

After high school, I went to a college in Tokyo while working part time. Men approached me but none could compare to Ryu.

Even until now… I regret never telling him how I feel all these time.

Ryu, I am sorry…

My flashbacks got interrupted when I heard the name of my hometown announced. I clutch the roasted sweet potato pendant from back then and sighed as I stood up. I don’t go straight home and take detour around the town. I haven’t come back for years due to college and I now I’m back after earning my bachelor degree. I have been working for a company for years and didn’t have much time to go back

The town remains the same

The park is the same and the stores were still the same. Mrs Kurosawa’s son is now the one selling sweet potatoes while Mrs Kurosawa mostly rests at home. The same bakery, liquor store… The same air and the same feeling

My mind subconsciously leads me into the woods, still carrying my luggage like a fool.

The same pond, same trees and rocks.

Just there is no Ryu…

And there will never be another Ryu…

Ryu, do you know? I can’t even count how many times I think of you and this place. I’d do anything to once again hug you and tell you how much I love you.

I want to share sweet potatoes with you once again

“…Ryu,” I muttered as I tried not to cry

“I’m here,” a voice was behind me. That voice… I turned back and saw a man there standing. He had ebony black hair and was wearing a suit. The man was carrying two roasted sweet potatoes and smiling. It’s Ryu!

“Ryu…?”
“Yuki, I never thought I’d ever see you here… I heard that you moved to Tokyo”

I am dumbfounded by his presence, it felt like a dream. Trembling, I approach and touch his hand. He is real!

As if understanding that I am in a daze, he continued “I am actually on business trip to Japan… So I thought I’d sneak out and come here to… Well, to reminisce. Then I heard from Mrs Kurosawa that you are working in Tokyo and rarely comes back. But then… Here you are”

He handed me my share of sweet potato

“Here, for the sake of old time”

I don’t even take it, my emotion is currently like a dam about to burst and I don’t know how to react anymore. I just stare at him…

“Ryu…

I…I…”

He just stays quiet and listens to me, like the old times

I can no longer stop my tears and shout, “You stupid man! Selfish! You said I saved you, you go and reach your dreams... You said you loved me… What about me? You don’t think about me at all, leaving me here alone”

Ryu sighs,“I… I don’t know, I thought that… I don’t know when I will be back and I don’t wish for you to wait for me. You deserve much happiness with another man who can be there for you. Not somebody like me who cannot even make simple promises”

I just can’t stop crying, “That is selfish! We can work something out… We can send letters or at least email each other…”

“I’m sorry, Yuki…”

“Ryu, I…I love you! I never said it back… I regretted it for years…”

“Yuki…”

Ryu shrugs, he puts the sweet potatoes on the rock and pulls me to a tight hug,

“…I was a fool. Even in The States I couldn’t forget. My feet led me to this woods the moment I realized…”

“Stupid Ryu…”

“I miss you so much, Yuki… I thought I’d never see you again. I'm so happy when I saw the pendant you were wearing”

I don’t know anymore, I just cry on his chest as loud as I can. The only man I’ve loved; the center of my universe,  the letters I wait for, the smile I miss so much. He chuckles happily, probably as relieved as I am that we are back together.

“B-but… Aren’t you going back to the States?”

“I am”

“R-Ryu…!!!”

“Ssshh,” he plants a kiss on my lips without pulling away and smiling. “Won’t you come with me? Actually I even bought a ring but I left it in States”

“Wha… B-but you said you didn’t even know if you would see me again”

“Call it a risk, a gamble. I just had to take the chance. I thought my heart would burst when I saw a woman here…I even calculated all my financial data before coming here to get you. I am sure I have enough fund to bring you along with me”

“Ryu…You…
I…

I mean….

Ugh, I love you so much, you dummy! ”

Ryu laughs so hard,

“Yes, I know. Same here-please stay with me always. Your presence warms my life, Yuki. Just like the snow that makes my day better. Let’s always be together!”

And that is my story

Ryu was the center of my universe

Ryu is still the center of my universe

Ryu will always be

And it all started with a roasted sweet potato…

A Slice of Cheesecake Chapter 1 (part 1)

Chapter 1- Flame Lit

“I think this design is good,” I showed Lisa the image from my tablet. “Too girly for a CEO party, what’s with those flowers? I prefer the black one with gold letters-it screams RICH!”

“Okay, I admit black one is better,” I sighed. “Guess I will email him the draft”

“Your dreamy prince, eh?”

“L-Lisa, cut it out”

“What? You’ve been talking about him days long to the point I almost called my dad ETHAN.”

“You’re horrible”, I laughed out loud

“But better not be too involved, eh? Dudes like them… Rich men are mostly bad”

“I know, MOM”

“Jerk!”, we both laughed again

I emailed him the invitation draft and design blueprint before heading out to the restaurant in charge of his event’s menu. What kind of restaurant, you ask? Nah, nothing fancy. Just huge enough to be mistaken as a hotel.  How rich is his family?, I shrugged. A woman in suit, probably the manager, handed me their thick menu book. 

“My name is Ross Bricks, I heard you’re arranging Mr Ethan’s party”

“Yes, what do you recommend here?”

“I’d personally recommend our foei gras and truffle salad for Western food. We also have lots of exotic menus like Japanese Sashimi Ishikari Nabe or Korean’s…”

“Nothing too fancy, Mr Ethan’s orders”

“Fine then. Just read the menu and decide”

I flipped through the pages, ignoring the prices that looked like the sum I used up to buy pricey skincare products. As instructed, I listed down various kinds of pasta, cakes, sandwiches desserts, roasted meat and some salad. Not long after I texted Ethan the menu list , he replied:

Go ahead, good enough. Please also prepare vintage wine and some grape juice

“I’d like to place order according to this list,” I handed to Ms Bricks. She just nodded in confirmation and reconfirmed number of guests, location and time. Another text, Come to Royale Tailors. Here’s a pic of the map. Ethan? Telling me to come without even explaining. Oh well, clients…

I headed to Royale Tailors, about half an hour from the restaurant. When I reached the restaurant however, I was greeted by a small but very vintage-looking wooden store. The sign said ”Royale Tailors”. Timidly, I opened the door. Ethan was there, wearing a golden suit covering his white shirt. 

He was wearing black trousers. I had to admit, he looked fabulous.

“You’re here,” he smiled

“Good day, Sir. How may I help you?”

“Drop the formalities, Pamela. Come help me choose clothes. I can’t decide”

Ethan was holding two suits : Maroon and brown. In addition with the gold one he was wearing, he couldn’t seem to decide which looks better. I thought for a second, the majority of his party’s decoration was white. Maroon would look too dark for a white party, gold is nice but a bit flashy, brown…Hmmm…

“Black is better”

“That’s so boring”

“….”

Ethan chuckled, ”But I admit suits look best in black. Okay then”

He finished his purchases and put the bags inside his car (Yes, BAGS-he ended up buying all of them). “So now where are you going, Pam?” “Back office, I reckon. Have you checked my email?” I asked. He stared at me like he just remembered something and smiled, ”Oh yes, I have just a little things to add. Let’s go and have some coffee while we discuss”

“SIR, I need to go back to the office”

“I insist”

Okay, I lost-“…An hour” “Fine, an hour it is”

I sent the office driver to go back office ahead and joined Ethan in his car. His car had that…funny but yummy scent. A sweet…scent. “You like my new car perfume?” “What scent is this?” “Cheesecake”.

Eh?

“I’m serious,” he made pouty face. “People do say I am a bit strange. My home chef dried some cheesecake and made them aromatherapy”

I burst out laughing, “There is a limit to how much you love cake!”

“Not for cheesecakes”

We reached the coffee shop and got out of his car. I spotted some men wearing black suits and sunglasses standing around the coffee shop, plus some customers who were frightened. “I wonder if any government people is here, with all these bodyguards”. Ethan smiled, “Maybe, this coffee shop sells premium quality coffee after all. What’s your preference in coffee?”

“I prefer tea, matcha latte with lots of cream”

Ethan blinked and stared at me in surprise, “You are…Quite honest. You’re not planning to be sophisticated and order Earl Grey blend instead?”

“No. Matcha  with cream”

Ethan burst out laughing as he opened the door and signaled me to step inside first. I was greeted by strong coffee smell which somehow made me relax. Ethan walked to the counter and ordered while I sat and waited for him. He not long after joined me and smiled,

“So… Regarding the invitation, I just want you to add golden ribbon as decoration”

“That’s all?”

“Yup”

“You could have texted me”

“But I want to drink some coffee with the company of a lady. Is that wrong?”

The waiter bought a cup of black coffee and a cup of creamy matcha latte, plus two slices of cheesecake. He placed our orders on the coffee table and smiled before going back to his post. Ethan sipped his coffee and sighed in relief,

“Why are you in such a rush to go back office? I thought job was boring”

“It is, but must still be done to earn…Cash. I guess young masters like you wouldn’t understand” Crap, I’m being so rude.”I-I don’t mean it that way…” Ethan just stared at me while sipping his coffee, “You are right. Sorry, I don’t understand you as you don’t understand me”

“Eh?”

"It is easy to say how others live lives better, how others are happier and won't understand their hardships...

Exactly, like how the speaker doesn't understand that person's hardships too and speak above lightly. Maybe that person actually thinks about how happy the speaker is. I for one, admire people like you who are dedicated to job.

Everyone cannot run away from life problems. What seems trivial to you may be big for that person. Telling someone not to act sissy and depressed when they're factually depressed is evil. People never really understand each other

There is a story behind all stories. It is over when people judge only by seeing or hearing one-sided what others say without confirming. But who am I to speak? Just another human. Do you agree with me, Pamela?"

My face flushed, he was right. “You are right. I’m…Sorry”. He didn’t say a word and smiled, yet somehow his eyes stared at the distance. His mind had wandered somewhere. There was a long, comfortable silence. “But, as you could speak of such words, I am sure you too have pent-up frustration inside you. As I see now you are perfect but your heart may speak differently. That is why we need to know each other more”

What?

This is why I kind of hate this guy sometimes, he… stares at you as if he is looking straight to your soul. I feel bared and it makes me uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure where to look and kept staring at my cup. Timidly, I looked up and he was still staring and smiling.

“S-stop that,okay?”
“You seem to say whatever comes to your mind, and I appreciate that. Oh well, I think I have wasted your time quite enough. I will drive you ba—“

A man in suit rushed to Ethan and whispered something. Then I saw his eyes changed, not the kind gaze he showed me before. They were fierce, determine and subconsciously I shuddered. “…I understand. Dispatch the men around the area, I will be there after driving her back”
He stood up, his expression cold

“Let’s go, Pamela. Sorry, I am in a bit of hurry”
“O…Okay”

I wasn’t sure what was happening. Some bodyguards ran around, barking orders with transceivers as Ethan calmly walked out of the store and drove me back. I tried asking what was going on but he simply gave me vague answers as if cuing not to ask further.

Ethan is a very warm and friendly man,
But that day I could see he is also a very cold man

And I wasn’t sure anymore about who I was with. Nor was I understanding what was happening at that time. The car radio kept playing jazz song and the cheesecake smell lingered…