Humans are full of unexplainable feelings. We have so many feelings that we give name to such as happiness, sorrow, anger, fear, love and many more yet there are lots remain unnamed. What do you call it when you feel that something is missing but not sure what? What do you call it when you feel upset yet sad yet glad? What do you call it when you crave for something you will never?
I don’t get it still, this is why I am in the lowest rank
“White, don’t space out”
I turn around to see my teacher behind me, looking holy as
usual. Well, he is an Archangel. That’s high rank angels! Kinda like what
humans call “Important people”. I sighed, “I don’t understand humans. The
academy assigned me this particular girl but I still can’t solve her problems!”
“What’s her problems, son?”
“In short…”
I start to describe everything to my teacher…
There is this human girl. Not so young, not old either. In
our realm it is around…two hours? But for her it is around 20 of years. Yeah,
time difference. Kinda like GMT and UTC. Surprised by my knowledge of human
realm? Ha! I am proud!
Anyway, she is one curious case. She is like so many people in one body, I don’t know what her problem is. The girl wakes up every morning and checks her phone first. Sometimes she texts back her friends, sometimes she plays songs while rolling around on bed, sometimes she plays this social media that is famous among humans… Ins…insta, oh yeah Instagram.
Then she would finally get up, get out of her bedroom and
drink a cup of water. Afterwards she would do house chores, feed her hamsters
and do light sports. By light sports I mean she would turn on some Asian
language pop songs famous in human realm. Then she would start dancing. Or at
least she tried. Just randomly moving her body, no choreography at all.
Sometimes she laughs at her own dance and I always laugh along with her.
She prefers sweet treats for breakfast. Afterwards she
bathes, prepares for her education trainings. “University” it’s called I
believe. When she reaches university, she studies very hard. The girl gets
depressed easily when there are hard subjects but also does very well in those
she excels. She is witty, random and funny. She makes her friends laugh. She is
like that person everyone love and secretly envy.
Her professors like her, she has this confidence and actual
brain to back it up. She is well known around campus. After studies, she works
part time as an editor in a publisher. Then it is very different, the college
girl and the office worker. She is hardworking, she secretly cries sometimes in
the bathroom when problems occur. The problems are usually not by her, but by
subordinates yet she blames herself. She is one strict team leader, brain of
all activities and barking orders to subordinates. Yet she is sweet and
occasionally buy donuts for the whole office. Strict yet caring.
At home she is quiet, she doesn’t talk much unless required.
She is clumsy and always in need of attention. She is a good sister and a good
daughter, whom everyone finds when they have problems. She would lend an ear,
and never have anyone to do the same. When she is in distress, all her family
members shrug it off as young age and saying “You think too much”. She just
gets bitter when she hears that and just go to sleep. She is calm and
melancholy.
She has many friends and I can tell you for sure she loves
people. She tries to always make things fun. Her friends love her….Or do they?
Exactly, that is how the girl thinks. She fears being secretly hated, being
backstabbed. She had painful experiences. She is traumatized and hurt
And she is afraid to invest any affection to any of her
communities yet she wants to get warm at the same time. She wants to have a
strong bond but afraid it backfires. When you shoot heavy firearms, the recoil
can dislocate your arms and it hurts so damn much. She is a risk taker and a
coward at the same time. She starts, then gets scared midway.
Getting dark? This is only getting to the good part
Sometimes she hangs out with her friends and laugh too much
then goes home with a tired face. She starts to worry what people think about
her, why she made corny jokes, why she was so extra. She depresses
And usually when she is depressed, some less depressed
friends seek her for advices. She gives very good advises and her friends sleep
well after thanking her. Her? She plays slow songs and just space out while
singing. At those times, she looks so vulnerable that I just wish I could hug
her. But she can’t even see me.
She is very proud of herself. She tells herself, “ I am
pretty, skilled, qualified and star quality!”. Until the depression strikes,
she tells herself “I am ugly, nothing special, dumb”. Don’t get me started when
she envies women that are greater than her. Prettier, more successful,
talented...
She knows it is wrong to envy so she prays to God and says, “But
not everyone is so blessed with your grace. I should be thankful to know Lord”
The girl would suddenly for no reasons lose interest in
replying any texts, she is just…tired and broken. She wants to just lie down
listening to sad music. On those days, she does not feel like doing anything
including waking up. She does her activities like a zombie and she is just
tired.
The silly girl is afraid of the future. She is afraid of
everything yet and may not to happen. She fears things without knowing what she
truly fears. It may be fear of oblivion that nobody remembers her anymore. She
wants a place where she really belongs because she feels there is none. She has
no plans for future and it scares her terribly.
She has a dream, one that is impossible to achieve because
of several conditions. She never gives up but sometimes it just tiring to be
stuck only in one maze. She gives up occasionally.
She wants to make her parents proud, but she is the exact
opposite of what her family wants for her. She is not gorgeous physically or as
skilled as the rest of her family members. She does not have much achievements.
And she hates that, it suffocates her. She wants to be greater, but she does
not know what to do. She has always done her best in her life but she just
doesn’t know what she is truly good at.
She doesn’t know what she wants in life. She is a lost lamb
So many people around yet so lonely
So many smiles yet all lies
So many happy Instagram posts of brave captions yet she’s a
coward
So confident yet so insecure
So beautiful yet so hideous at the same time
So optimistic yet antisocial pessimist
So eager to try new things yet a prisoner of fear of past
Stuck running in circles, finding a way out. What do I do
with you, little girl? What can I do for you when I am not sure anymore? Here I
am beside you tonight. It’s raining and cold, and you are crying. I am too.
She wails, he cries sound more like a deep wailing muffled
by a thick pillow. Her whole body trembles and tense. Nothing I can do but
watch over her
Then a few days after, she will wake up feeling better and
decide it is time to stop being depressed. She will be even stronger, braver,
more cheerful, prettier… Yeah, for a time. After that she is back. The cycle
never ends.
Her eyes always tear up whenever she asks herself, “Where do
I belong?”
***
“I cry many times, I cannot answer her questions nor do
anything.”
My teacher just smiles, “Son-What does she need exactly?”
“A place to belong?”
“It is something simpler, more specific”
“Someone to understand her?”
“This is not anyone else’s problems”
“A family member to love her?”
“Close but not quite”
I thought hard and long. And I sigh, I say to the teacher “She
is suffering because she loves herself. She wants to love herself to be more
precise. But she does not know how, she sees so many flaws in her. Am I right?”
“Continue, son”
“ She loses confidence, she thinks of herself as nothing.
She… wants a reason to exist. She wants a reason to live”
“Now you have your answer, son”
“ A purpose to live… An adjective to define herself, a clear
knowledge of who she actually is”
“So what does she need?”
“…A reason to exist”
After saying that I break down in tears, I fly to the human
realm. She is staring at the walls, her eyes wet. I know she can never see me
or feel or hear me and yet I hug her tight.
“I am here”
”Please… Keep existing for me… For all of us who loves you”
She says nothing, she hears nothing. Another teardrop falls,
rain still pours down…
But I have faith in her. She will stand up again and
smile soon. She will break down again someday, and I will hug her again that
time.
Until that time comes when you can love yourself more than anyone
else,
When you can laugh loud whenever hearing the word “Depression”,
When you love life to its fullest,
I am gonna be by your side
You are me, and I am you. We are two sides of coins, light
and dark. You are never alone. Let me be your strength.
I hear heavens chime, a sound ringing out loud : “White,
angel apprentice no 4709, we have seen your evaluation and we know you have
reached a conclusion to leave heaven and stay with this girl accompanying her
throughout her life. You shall be a part of her. What will your name be?”
I smile
“Faith”
Have faith, what’s a day without night? But sun will rise
for sure. Have faith, always. I will be your light in the dark, the power you
never realize you have, I am always here for you
I exist for your very existing,
So please keep existing for me
I have faith in you, so please have faith in me.