Deep Inside

Life is a funny thing-It’s fragile as threads yet it is everything we have.

Life crushes us a lot of times, yet we are nothing but a vessel void of soul without it.

The cup of coffee I’m clutching on is damn hot, yet I can barely feel the burning sensation. Bitter…

Bitter…

Depression is a scary thing, it creeps in without any notice and leaves you with nothing.

The life you once treasure becomes an old movie with no sound and only monochrome colors, bland and lacking of spirit. Strangely enough, you feel like your life has always been that way.

Every mellow songs suddenly feel like they’re about you and you want to turn the volume up then cry as loud as you can… But you can’t either. With every fiber of my being and to the core of my whole existence, I’m denying the fact I’m troubled and weak.

Playbacks of what my mother told me won’t stop. She is always angry when I’m weak… Sometimes I wish she knew that I’m not and could never be as strong as her. Have you ever heard people comparing us to those greater or lesser people? “Your life is hard? See those poor children in Africa” “When I was your age, I was already so strong” “Look at your sister, she’s so strong when facing problems”-All those are very unfair.

Everyone lives their own lives, filling in pages of their life books. All stories have different conflicts, small problems in your book may be the main core conflict in another’s story. Put yourself in others’ shoes and you will see how different things are from another’s eyes.

In my life, there is never sincerity nor pure friendship. But I guess it is normal in working world-industry is cold. Everyone seeks for benefits, not friends. I have nobody to trust…

People say “Do something only if all your heart is in it”, but reality is never that supportive. All those office workers being scolded everyday, they would do something else if any other choices. I’m tired too, I know where my passion is but it’s now a far fleeting dream. I’ve given up. I’m tired, beat and battered up.

I want a hug, I want someone to tell me it will be fine and I’m good enough

I don’t want to be alone

I’m so weird but I’m too afraid to meet psychologist

One day I’m cheerful and confident and other days I just curse my every being. I hate this stupid me, the me who’s not reliable and always crying like a child. What the hell is wrong with me?

I know life can never be smooth and I’m being extremely weak, I know. But what’s one to do when she simply feels so powerless? I mustn’t show anyone my weak point, they will leave me… They will hate me… They…

There’s that unjustified fear again. This intense fear that causes me fear waking up every morning. I don’t even want to sleep because then it’d be tomorrow… I’m scared, what if I mess up again? What if I fail again? What if I trouble others…

Stop it, stop

Stop, you mustn’t be this weak

STOP RINGING IN MY HEAD!

“Hey how r u? Still stressed bout work?”, a text flashed on my screen

“ ^^ Good. U?”

What a liar I am… I just want to scream.  Save me… Save me…

“You’re just tired.”-No, it is more than that

“You have frustrating jobs and tasks”-I don’t really like the job but I need the pay

“You are still learning and you will be perfect someday”-Bullshit

But here I am, still alive everyday and still working hard. Still taking aspirins and forcing myself to stay awake. Still laughing with my peers and colleagues everyday. Still talking to clients like I know everything.

And I will always be doing so…

So let me cry for tonight because tomorrow I’m gonna smile again and forget I wrote this. I will keep playing this sad song in my mp3

Replay, replay, replay…

This short writing is dedicated to everyone with voiceless screams, nobody to talk to, self-esteem issues, silent cries. Depression is a scary thing, people may look fine but breaking apart as they smile. This is to explain to people who don’t know what it feels like. It may even result in someone taking their own life.  Look around you and look closely-nobody is really as strong as seen. People aren’t perfect and ironically sometimes imperfections disappoint others. Contradictory, yes, but this is our life reality. Be power to others. And with this I would like to reach out my hands to you all who are crying, so please reach my hands too. You’re not alone. Life has always been a jerk and sincerity is a rare thing nowadays. I’m not exactly strong too, that’s why we must all hold hands and strengthen each other. The story must go on, with everyday brand new chapter.

The pen is in your hand, let’s do it