Deep Inside

Life is a funny thing-It’s fragile as threads yet it is everything we have.

Life crushes us a lot of times, yet we are nothing but a vessel void of soul without it.

The cup of coffee I’m clutching on is damn hot, yet I can barely feel the burning sensation. Bitter…

Bitter…

Depression is a scary thing, it creeps in without any notice and leaves you with nothing.

The life you once treasure becomes an old movie with no sound and only monochrome colors, bland and lacking of spirit. Strangely enough, you feel like your life has always been that way.

Every mellow songs suddenly feel like they’re about you and you want to turn the volume up then cry as loud as you can… But you can’t either. With every fiber of my being and to the core of my whole existence, I’m denying the fact I’m troubled and weak.

Playbacks of what my mother told me won’t stop. She is always angry when I’m weak… Sometimes I wish she knew that I’m not and could never be as strong as her. Have you ever heard people comparing us to those greater or lesser people? “Your life is hard? See those poor children in Africa” “When I was your age, I was already so strong” “Look at your sister, she’s so strong when facing problems”-All those are very unfair.

Everyone lives their own lives, filling in pages of their life books. All stories have different conflicts, small problems in your book may be the main core conflict in another’s story. Put yourself in others’ shoes and you will see how different things are from another’s eyes.

In my life, there is never sincerity nor pure friendship. But I guess it is normal in working world-industry is cold. Everyone seeks for benefits, not friends. I have nobody to trust…

People say “Do something only if all your heart is in it”, but reality is never that supportive. All those office workers being scolded everyday, they would do something else if any other choices. I’m tired too, I know where my passion is but it’s now a far fleeting dream. I’ve given up. I’m tired, beat and battered up.

I want a hug, I want someone to tell me it will be fine and I’m good enough

I don’t want to be alone

I’m so weird but I’m too afraid to meet psychologist

One day I’m cheerful and confident and other days I just curse my every being. I hate this stupid me, the me who’s not reliable and always crying like a child. What the hell is wrong with me?

I know life can never be smooth and I’m being extremely weak, I know. But what’s one to do when she simply feels so powerless? I mustn’t show anyone my weak point, they will leave me… They will hate me… They…

There’s that unjustified fear again. This intense fear that causes me fear waking up every morning. I don’t even want to sleep because then it’d be tomorrow… I’m scared, what if I mess up again? What if I fail again? What if I trouble others…

Stop it, stop

Stop, you mustn’t be this weak

STOP RINGING IN MY HEAD!

“Hey how r u? Still stressed bout work?”, a text flashed on my screen

“ ^^ Good. U?”

What a liar I am… I just want to scream.  Save me… Save me…

“You’re just tired.”-No, it is more than that

“You have frustrating jobs and tasks”-I don’t really like the job but I need the pay

“You are still learning and you will be perfect someday”-Bullshit

But here I am, still alive everyday and still working hard. Still taking aspirins and forcing myself to stay awake. Still laughing with my peers and colleagues everyday. Still talking to clients like I know everything.

And I will always be doing so…

So let me cry for tonight because tomorrow I’m gonna smile again and forget I wrote this. I will keep playing this sad song in my mp3

Replay, replay, replay…

This short writing is dedicated to everyone with voiceless screams, nobody to talk to, self-esteem issues, silent cries. Depression is a scary thing, people may look fine but breaking apart as they smile. This is to explain to people who don’t know what it feels like. It may even result in someone taking their own life.  Look around you and look closely-nobody is really as strong as seen. People aren’t perfect and ironically sometimes imperfections disappoint others. Contradictory, yes, but this is our life reality. Be power to others. And with this I would like to reach out my hands to you all who are crying, so please reach my hands too. You’re not alone. Life has always been a jerk and sincerity is a rare thing nowadays. I’m not exactly strong too, that’s why we must all hold hands and strengthen each other. The story must go on, with everyday brand new chapter.

The pen is in your hand, let’s do it

You're Not Alone

Dedicated to all people who are sad because of being bullied , encountering failure , lonely or simply need encouragement:
The following illustration is fictional ,any resemblances to real life occurences are purely coincidental:

"        "Have you ever felt so sad that you can't even manage show it on your face?",I typed into my phone screen. Yeah ,call me an ettention-seeking prissy bitch or anything to that effect -I'd rather shout it out than keeping this inside of me now. The thing about deep sadness is ,it slowly kills.
You're so sad but no tears come rolling down your cheeks ,you end up staring at the white walls and waste hours for literally nothing.....Until you hit the breaking point. It feels like your walls have shattered ,and all your joints are pulled. You just want to curl into a ball and cry ,or even scream,loudly. Anything to keep your sanity. Heartbeat somehow picks up its pace ,and it feels like a strong hand is squeezing your heart from inside. It hurts , it really does. That is how it feels when your dreams have been killed , sharp pain...

I'm never enough. Not pretty enough , not clever enough , not strong enough ,not confident or reliable enough. I can see disappointment in my father and mother's eyes when they see me , I wish they had a son instead of me because at least he'd be able to inherit their business. What am I anyway ,a good-for-nothing crybaby who lives in dreams . "Wake up" "Your stupid dreams won't give even a penny for your life" "You want to work according to your dreams? Good luck at living a poor life" "Stupid weakling" "Do whatever you want ,I don't care".... Yes ,they often tell me those things.

The thing is ,it's not like I've never thought of it. I know , I know life's a cruel and full of obstacles and I am trying to make a living too. I tried ,searching for job opportunities ,learning about this family business and others...but that dream won't die.It's like a cancer patient who is in coma but refuses to give up and keeps living. I hate me . Everybody calls me a weakling , stupid , fat , useless , crybaby , not hardworking enough.... I hate me...I hate me... The tears won't even stop now.

I scroll the timeline of my Instagram pic. Old friends , new friends... Those who used to be important in my life until they suddenly cruelly left me... Those who have even forgotten about me... Those who pained me so deeply... Those who mocked me. Nobody loves me.Why am I even alive? I am good for nothing... Sometimes I'd get really sick and when I close my eyes ,I thought to myself "Is this the end?" but then I wake up again feeling refreshed. God ,is this the form of Your love? I fear I lack strength.

My phone beeps .Slowly , I reach for it and open the screen
"What happened?"
"Nothing"
"Liar"
...I fear when people try to push through my walls because they might one day shatter me from inside... But right now I just want to cry and talk to somebody...

An hour passed...
A reply .
"The thing is... Life must be appreciated ,God has His own reasons for everything. Put your trust and Him and wait. You might not have a perfect life ,but at the best you have us who care about you. You're not ugly , it just takes the right man to see. Parents get angry because they want a better life for you. Sure ,they don't understand you at all but remember that you don't really understand why they think that way too.Everyone has ever cried ,dear -everyone has dark times when they just want to die but does that make everyone a weakling? Life is full of sorrow , find happiness in darkest corners of this life. You are important to me"

I cry out....And then wipe my tears and drop that "blade" stabbing my heart from the inside. Yes , life is hard but it does go on. No matter how alone you are , there are actual people reaching out for you. Everybody needs somebody .Life'd kill that dream , but stand up and protect your heart. People will always talk bad about you or try to bring you down , but that is because they themselves are not happy and need to talk badly behind so that they can feel good about themselves. Nobody is truly weak , sometimes people just need somebody , shoulders to rest on , a warm hug and people to tell them "I am here for you . I care"- God,thank you for sending me these angels who care about me.Yes ,I am a loved person  "

A/N:
People nowadays often don't realize they are bullying others verbally ,you might be teasing or mocking just for fun but it is not funny ,you might be advising with anger but that would hurt feelings. Stop judging if you know nothing.If you keep labelling an individual with a certain trait ,sooner or later he/she will believe that. If one believes life will never get better ,it will never.

Whoever reading this , you are perfect from top to the bottom. God created each of us with different plans , so let us walk this path together and do not give up. If there is anybody around you feeling so alone,sad and need a hug , reach an arm for them and help them. Failure means another try ,so let's keep going together. There will be times when you cry again in the future , but remember that....
You    are     not     alone.