Warm December

I hate this sight.

I hate seeing all these stupid lovebirds strolling around this shopping mall. Air is cold, Christmas decorations are all over. Funny how places decorated for Christmas always look brighter and sparkling. Don’t get me wrong, I do like the sense of tranquility Christmas emits but I hate seeing all the happy families and couples. Yes, I admit I am such a killjoy.

Earlier today, our lecturer decided to leave early and now here I am…Bored as ever among all these people. It is getting cold but I don’t feel like going home. Why should I go home? Home doesn’t even feel like… home. My so-called “home” is a small apartment room with nobody inside. I left home last year because I couldn’t stand my parents arguing every day. When I told them to just separate, they used me as an excuse to carry on.

Do me a favor and answer: How is forcing to be together good for your child? Unhappy household is the most lethal toxic for children, at least I believe so. For years, I’ve watched them arguing and living without any happiness. I was never happy at all. I don’t even feel like being with my classmates who are busy gossiping about how their parents bought them latest smartphone. Those kinds of stories are sickening, okay? I stare at my wristwatch-In thirty minutes, I’d have to head to my part time workplace. Just a simple donut shop.

I quicken my walking pace and head to the shop.

***

The donut shop “DONUT CASTLE” is crowded as ever, selling tons of special Christmas edition donuts. There are red velvet donuts, berry and mint donuts, gingerbread donuts, Santa-shaped donuts and a box full of cute mini Christmas donuts. My colleague, Mary, is beside me humming a song. Incidentally, she is also the only friend I have.

“You sound chirpy, Mary. Something good happened?”

“Nah, just that my usual joint is having a sale on cosmetics”

“Hmmm…I see”

Mary is the kind of girl who is very updated when it comes to fashion, make up and trends. She’s a blonde 167 cm tall girl who’s very fashionable and pretty. Guests of this shop will always glance at her with pinkish cheeks. I asked her before why she didn’t try being a model but she said that she doesn’t like being recognized by a huge mass of people.

“You know”, Mary spoke, ”I’ve always said this to you but why don’t you try?”

“Try?”

“You know, fashion trends, make up… You’re actually cute you know”

“I just…don’t like that kind of thing”

“It’s kind of a waste. Just give me two hours and I can make you look TOTALLY different”

I just laugh, ”Maybe I will take your offer when there is a big event or party”

“Are you still… Kind of traumatized about two years ago?”

Two years ago, huh? It felt like yesterday. My dad has always been a huge loser, he never loved us at all. I swore all men off, I hate them…I wish I kept hating them two years ago. There was this cute guy who…Made me believe in men once again. He was kind, loving and everything I ever wished for. He treated me like a princess and made me feel whole… Until he left me like a trash.

I guess all men are trash

I know what you’re going to tell me now : Don’t judge the whole ocean just because of a drop of seawater or other sayings but I seriously don’t feel a thing anymore upon seeing the males of human race. I feel like they will hurt me eventually, I have to build my walls.

I have to…

“Hey”

I look up and meet the eyes of a young man with glasses. He’s wearing casual shirt and jeans with white coat,his hands tucked into the pockets.

“Ummm… One hot Americano and two sugar donuts, takeaway”

“Coming right up”

I stuff two donuts into a small box, “Need some extra sugar?”

“Ah no, thank you. My grandma can’t eat too much sugar”

Too much info, but I’m intrigued, “Grandma?”

“Yeah, I’m visiting her for a short while. She likes the donuts here, even though doctors told her not to”

I just laugh and hand him his orders,”That’d be ten dollars”

“Here you go”

“Thanks”

***

Since then, the man frequently visits our shop. Sometimes to buy donuts and other time just for coffee. There’s something enchanting when I see him sitting on the small table and chair at the shop’s corner , reading his book. At times, I wonder what he’s reading about

Seeing him has become a part of my life

And I love his voice when he talks to his grandma, so gently and full of love. Before long, I wonder how it feels to be loved by him. I think this is just how human brains are designed. We fall, we cry, we stand up…And fall again.

We seek for love, no matter how any times it breaks us down. We build walls but wait for that one person who will break the walls. We say we are fed up but we still wish for more. Ironically, you always have fallen to deep when you actually realize it.

Then one day, he comes to the counter.

“Donuts as usual?”

“That and one more thing”

“Berry donut? It’s our current best seller”

“May I have your number, Sheila?”,he said while staring at my name tag

I chuckle and smile

The air is still cold as ever and I hate crowds, but for once I don’t hate the people anymore. The scent of coffee flutters through the shop, I guess this year’s Christmas will be a bit warmer

What Do You Want for Christmas?

I love Christmas time.
I love how colourful lights flicker everywhere I go , I like the jinggling beats heard every single step , I like those supermarket workers dressing up as Santa or Rudolph .
Bûche de Noël , Strawberry shortcake with Christmas decorations , gingerbreadmen ,candies...
It's like ,you can feel joy fluttering in the air and it makes you happy too.
There is also a calming and melancholy side of Christmas...
When you see those Holy Crosses ; angel statues ; golden , red and white poinsettias ; churchbells...
Sleep in heavenly peace... ,a gentle song is being played.
Everywhere we go , tons of things are on sale. Today too , I ended up buying a lot.
My little daughter is stuffing her face with donuts while I'm just sipping my latte.
"Mommy",she muttered with that innocent face.
"Yes ,darling?"
"It's daddy's birthday soon!"
My husband 's birthday is on Christmas Eve ,and for my five-year-old girl ,it is something very big.
"But daddy's at UK right now,remember? He said he would try his best to finish his job and come home . He is very busy"
There , that pout again . Little Chloe is pouting .
"Daddy is always busy . No time for us"
"Chloe, he is making money to pay for our food and your school fee. Good kids don't talk bad about their parents,remember?"
"But I miss him so much and I want to celebrate his birthday"
"He is trying his best to come home. We will bake daddy a cake and if he can't make it ,we will eat it together,okay?"
"......"
"What do you want for Christmas gift,dear?"
"I don't need dolls or cakes,mom"
She suddenly tears up,"I want daddy..."
I miss him too, I really do. But he is a doctor and he is on an intensive training
"Daddy is a hero that saves sick people,remember? He wants to save them so that they can all celebrate Christmas too"
"What about us?"
"We are healthy,so..."
"I will get sick too because I miss daddy too much!"
Chloe is now crying hard , I can only hug her to console... "Sssh ssh. Mommy will talk to daddy ,okay? Big girls don't cry.. Mommy will buy you that Christmas edition of Babameow dolls you collect"


***

Chloe finally falls asleep. I switch my laptop on and connects to Skype. After moments , I finally see the face of my husband. He looks...exhausted and messy. I can see dark circles below his eyes.
"Hey"
"Hey"
"Chloe?"
"Asleep. Pouted all day ,saying she misses you too much she will get sick soon"
He chuckles, "That cutie pie"
"Her choice for Christmas gift is you. She wants to celebrate your birthday and Christmas together"
"...I'm not sure I can go home before that... We have a very urgent patient"
I'm starting to get flustered , I do understand he is busy...
I know it is his job... I get it ,he is saving lives...
But...
"...Darling, please...Please don't cry...Please understand my job"
I can't help it
"I...miss you..."
"I miss you too... Please don't cry... I begged the head of hospital,you know... But he only lets me off work on 24th and 25th, I can't travel back and forth in two days..."
I don't know anymore what to say to Chloe...
"I'm sorry ,dear...I'm so sorry"
God,please...Grant my daughter's wish....
And mine too...

***

Ahh , the sweet scent of cookie doughs...
Chloe and I are baking Christmas cookies together .I hope she doesn't notice my swollen eyes ,she is enjoying herself shaping those cookies .
I know my husband is busy. Even before we got married , he has always been busy... The only times we can chat and talk our hearts out were late nights or some rare holidays... In a year ,we went on dates only several times.
My girl friends told me to find another available man who has more time , but I loved him and I still do even until now.
It's him that I love. The calm stare he gave when you are miserable and tell him your problems ,his scent of chocolates (his bodyspray smells like one,really), the way he said "It's okay ,I'm here... Talk to me" when I called him late at night crying , his small attentions , his mature way of thinking , his hardworking self... I miss him so damn much.
"Mom, the cookie boys are done!"
I force a smile and decorate those gingerbreadmen with my daughter.

***

A week to Christmas.... Chloe hasn't said anything but I know she misses her dad.
I caught her secretly staring at his pictures and found a letter inside her red sock.
"Dear Santa,
I have been a good kid this year. I help mommy with chores , do homework , feed cats and finish my food.
Please bring daddy home with your sleigh? Pleaaseee?
Chloe"
I wish I could grant that wish , I really wish so...
Maybe I'd cheer her up by bringing her to an amusement park... She's silently watching cartoon in the living room. I dig out brochures of amusemen parks from my drawers when the door bell rings.
Who could it be? I sure hope it is not another pesky salesman offering useless products.
I open the door, it's a man in blue uniform.
"Ma'am,package for you"
Delivery? From whom? I see the sender's name : Elliot Smiths.
My husband? I wonder what this is... I sign and thank the deliveryman .
Chloe seems to be interested -after helping me carry the small light delivery package , she puts it on the sofa and keeps staring at it.
I close the door and join her on that sofa and slowly unwrap the small box.
"Mommy,what are these two tickets for?"
I smile , my eyes watering up. He sent us a box of cute little UK map and...
"Chloe , pack up your stuff. We are going to go meet daddy!"
God is good, all the time.



Christmas is a day where families gather and celebrate the day ,remembering the birth of Jesus Christ. We exchange gifts ; some may want iPhone , iPad , laptop or other things but sometimes...To be happy , you don't necessarily need gifts. Being together with the people you love is already a truly precious gift . Family is not always those with blood relations ,remember those who are always there for you too-they are your family too.

Let us welcome the grace of Christmas with joy and love!