Regrets and Chances

00:00

His PoV

I guess it really is over. I’m just here, slowly being swallowed in the darkness with only streetlights illuminating my heart. Inside my car, now it’s only mine and no longer ours. “Metallic black horse”-the silly name you gave to this sport car. I chuckle as your face appears in my mind, that fair and smooth face… I miss pinching your cheeks. I wish I could get off this car now and enter our home, then I will hug your fragile back once again . However, it is not even our home any longer. It hurts, I suffocate thinking about it. Here I am, outside of a place we once called our little sanctuary-our simple home, yet too cowardly to even step out of this car.

That window on the second floor is dark, are you asleep? I can’t even close my eyes at night. When I do, your voice lingers and I can smell the scent of your shampoo. I used to say your hair smells like a kid’s because  of the orange-scented shampoo but now I’d do anything just to have you beside me. Anything. I scroll through your Instagram timeline and I don’t find our pictures anymore. I feel like a loser, stalking all your social medias. Get a life ,my friends said to me. It is all my own fault, I wasted you.

I wanted to have a taste of forbidden fruit, now I can’t turn back. Hah, look at me sounding like Shakespeare. I can’t survive a day without staring at a picture where you look so…charming. I remember well, I took it. It is probably the only me-related post left in your accounts. Your face has always been so natural, without any trace of colour brushes yet you look flawless. You don’t dye your hair or curl but I think black suits you the most. I love your cute T-shirts with silly prints, girls like you are hard to find.

So why was I such an idiot? I stupidly got attracted by those women in heels, golden purses, with hot smoky faces. I was smitten by one of them with her seductive words, enjoying the feel of sharp red claws on my back. The taste of liquor from her lips that made me drunk and all was just… Spinning around. I felt like a cool man, walking alongside such gorgeous lady with her tight red mini dress. I was a fool, I was even more foolish than a foolish fool. I let you down.

Her PoV

I know you’re parking in front of our— I guess now it is yours yet I shamelessly made you get out. I’m not asleep, as if I can sleep. For nights , I just want to curl into a ball and scream as loud as I can ‘till my heart is empty but I can’t. I scream deep inside demanding God or whoever created fate to just take me away. Half of my soul was stripped away and now I feel bare and fragile. He was everything I wanted, all I have, all I trust and now I barely know him. How could I stay calm when I saw clear red lip print on his neck? Tell me, how? He was drunk, and he immediately fell asleep . I couldn’t even cry as I packed his stuff all to big boxes and shipped them away to his eldest brother’s house. I was a bastard, I know this house is legally ours but he paid for it so it is actually his. I guess my brain could barely work that time. The next day, I left home early leaving a note for you. I never thought you’d actually get out of the house though.

I know that each and every nights, you park outside till the sun comes up then leaves. I hope you’d stop, stop sending those apology texts or try calling or sending me emails. Stopstopstop!!! Just…Stop. Where did my baby go? Who was that man who started being distant, no longer hugs or ruffles through my hair? Who was that man who came home so late and ignored my texts? Who? Give me back my man! Give him back!!!!,and I keep I screaming inside –all while being wrapped under my blanket. I want your lingering husky voice to stop calling me, I want to forget the warmth of your big hands. Leave me alone!

08:00

His PoV

Her forgiveness is something I can never get. That morning I found a note, “Get Out, Stranger”. I knew she saw me… She saw the texts in my phone. It’s over. I walked around the house, looking at our pictures. She has always been so naturally cute-her kind heart was one-in-a-million and I knew I wanted her since the beginning. Curiosity does kill, what was I thinking “trying out” the girl out there who only cared about salon and clothes and seducing me just so I buy her those Prada handbags? Why did I waste my girl, the one who stayed up late texting me back then and accompanying me watch World Cup while snacking ? Sure she isn’t slim and sexy like models, but as a man I like her curvy cute fleshy body. Now I sound like a psycho hahahahhh.

I loved her and still do-her cute sandwiches, her never-ending book shopping list, her obsession in collecting kids meal toys… Everything. I was stupid , please smile to me once more… Call my name once again. It’s totally my fault and I owe you happiness. I cut her off, the woman in heels but still she ain’t coming back. Now I’m a loser, laying around at my eldest brother’s home and not working. What am I doing with my life?

I text her again,

“I can’t sleep, I miss you. I’m sorry, I was a fool…Please give me a second chance… I love you so….”

Her PoV

I love you too…The you before. Your brother called me, saying I should at least talk to you once again but what is there to say? I’m not enough for you. Not slim enough , not pretty enough and I guess not good in satisfying you. But I tried! I searched up recipes for good lunchboxes, tried to dress up a bit but heels and tight dresses just don’t suit my big body! I guess love alone is never enough.

Your voice…It keeps lingering no matter how much I tell it to stop ringing in my head. Chance? I want to give you one but…I can’t trust you anymore. You think having texts unreplied is simple but for us girls? IT FUCKING HURTS WHEN YOU READ BUT NEVER REPLY. It hurts when your usual “What’s up? ^^ Wait okk,I’m driving at the moment hehe” turns to “Yes?” “I’m driving”. It hurts when you grow distant and don’t even hug me anymore. Now I’m crying hard, screaming after keeping it in for days. I…will just call Ann saying I’m sick and can’t make it to work. I can’t go, not in this state. I know he has been stalking me to my workplaces too. Stop it…Please…

Stop ringing in my head…Stop…

15:00

His PoV

She isn’t in today, why is she skipping work? I sip my cup of coffee while walking in a shopping department we used to visit a lot. Foolish, but I wish I could see her here even just from afar. A song rings in my head, a song I just heard from the radio

“Answer me, say it now

Say it now, your lingering voice

It’s too late but slowly, say it now

Only after it was over, I’m standing here, can’t believe it… Baby I’m so sorry”

It was by a Korean guy named Max of TVXQ ,titled Apology, but it really broke me into tears. Apology, apology…I was a jerk and you should forget me but I’m afraid of your forgetting me. I want to leave traces I exist, “we” existed. I want to hammer my every inch to your mind. I want to kiss my baby, my dearest one. Why is she skipping work today? I hope she ain’t sick.

Her PoV

I’m tired… I know he has cut off contact with that woman and he really means it. It’s me who can no longer trust. It hurts too much, boy… and I need a short trip somewhere or I will go mad

21:00

His PoV

Why isn’t she home? The door is shut tight too. I’ve been afraid of using my keys but tonight I’m getting in. It’s dark… Where is she? I get into the house and search… One of our bags is missing along with some of clothes and belongings.

She left her ring

Our rings… I cry out as I slam my fists to the door. Is everything too late? Have I lost my baby? I can’t…I’m gonna keep looking until I find her. She can slap me , kill me anything… I just want to see her. I realize I don’t need a Paris Hilton as my girlfriend-I need her, the one who loves me not just to my moon and back but all my sky along with storms and thunders. I’m going insane!

It hurts deeper and deeper, now I know without you I’m a soulless flesh… Void being without any reasons to live. I miss you… I’m sorry..

A week passed…

20:00

Her PoV

As I thought, a short getaway to countryside is calming. The air and stuff, the friendly people… AND GOOD FOOD! I feel better. I’ve switched off my phone for a week but I guess time to face my life. With trembling hands, I switch my phone on. As I thought miscalls and texts from him overflow. I wonder when he will get tired of this. I read a text from his brother,

 “I know he’s wrong, he’s at fault but he truly realizes his errors now… Please forgive him. I can’t stand seeing him like this. He drives everywhere to find you, cries and screams at night and he takes antidepressant pills nowadays.

He loves you.

Please…”

My eyes tear up, my baby is one of the strongest men out there. Even when he’s really sad, he doesn’t cry. What…What am I to do? I want to scream to now, until my life fades away… It hurts, like a blade piercing through my heart. Memories of us flash back-the trip to Japan together, our midnight dates, our lazy Sunday watching TV at home, our…everything. God tell me, what do I do now?

His PoV

I’m wrecked… I’m just wrecked. Where is she? My body could hardly handle any more sleepless nights but I can’t stand dreaming about you and waking up knowing it is a mere illusion. A dream is a wish your heart makes, Cinderella said. True. I know apologies alone can’t make it, I tried proving with real acts still you won’t come back.

Girl, I love you so… Call my name, just once more

Hold my hand once more as you drag me to the nearest bookstore

Complain about my eating habit once more

All those annoying little things I hate about you… Now I’d die just to have them back . I’m begging you, come back… And that’s the last thing in my mind before everything blacks out.

I’m… Sorry 

23:00

Her PoV

Nononono… Please be alright. I tremble, hugging my own body. Don’t go like this… I love you despite my screams. I will never forgive you if you die. I keep replaying the conversation with that nurse, “We found your picture and phone number in the patient’s wallet” Nononono “…in critical condition” Nonono stop…Stop… “hit by a huge tree trunk when lightning struck…” God,don’t punish him yet.. Don’t take him away from me. I’m crying hard now as I run to the hospital

I’m so sorry

I could have at least listened to you… Baby, I miss you

 *   *  *

His PoV

I am not…dead yet huh? Shit, my head hurts. I sit and try to pull the damn needle out of my vein. “What do you think you’re doing?!’,my brother yelled.

“I’m…gonna search for her”

“Wha…”

“Next I’m going out of town”

“You’re mad!”

“…I am, mad about her. I love that girl…”

“Stop doing this to yourself!”

My eldest brother slaps me hard but I no longer feel a thing.

I stand up and walk to the door, my brother just freezes in a loss of words. Then I see her. In front of me, her face a mess with tears. Am I…dreaming? Am I actually dead? She runs to me and embraces me hard while crying hard.

Her scent…Warmth…

I…am home.

I sob as I hug her back. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…. I love you…I really do…I…I….”

Her voice was muffled in tears but I hear her,

“I…love you too”

And I’m home, to your warm embrace. And now I know what I truly want in life. I don’t need a perfect partner, I want you who’s perfect in my life…

Safely back in your arms...

I Love You 






song : Max (TVXQ)-Apology from album Rise as Gods