[Code Orange]

A girl sighed as she stared at the starry night sky from her window

 It's just another Sunday but it was a bit different

She took her journal and flipped the pages until finally stopping at a blank page

She held her pen and started writing

"What is memories?

Now that’s a tough question. There is no clear definition of those like how you define medical terms. Some simple, smallest things may ignite your past chapters even when they died long ago. In my case it’s an orange.

Let me start by telling you a short recap of my story. Basically, I used to have a close friend with brightest smile ever. No, I’m not lying! He was very friendly and smiled a lot, he gave a very warm feeling and I guess it charmed me. I’m sure women are all attracted to his warmth. We used to text until very late at night-I must admit I was a bit infatuated too.

But here’s a fun fact for you all- nothing lasts forever. We both got really busy and drifted apart-he became cold and he always looked exhausted. I was worried, but one can’t do anything when ignored. I was confused where we went wrong. Did I offend him somehow? But there’s no way for me to confirm. He was very busy with his work and projects while I was also losing sleep over my job and education assignments. Before long, it faded.

It did, really

Then I started to remember those happy times, sometimes it made me angry other times it made me confused and sad. Alas, all emotions do fade away (or maybe I should say get buried). I was caught up with my job, goals and stuff. I started befriending new people too. We have met a few times after that but I couldn’t speak to him, he seemed to avoid me too. Sometimes I wonder what I did to lose such great friend.

Until yesterday

I met him in a temple as we were chanting prayers and he still avoided my gaze as usual despite sitting behind me. I’d really given up by that point, really. As we were chanting prayers, we heard loud vibrating but couldn’t find the source. I checked my phones, both not on vibrate mode. I stared at the man sitting in front of me and he helped me search. We searched but saw no phone, and we chuckled. Then I heard his voice from behind, “Above. Above, check above dispenser”. He sounded displeased so I did not bother looking at him- I mean, why was he so annoying to me?

We had to come forward one by one to kneel in front of Buddha statue and bow three times. As it was end of year, we had to thank for all blessings received that year and apologize for our sins. After we finished, the priestess would give us some food from altar to be eaten as blessing. My gaze was set on some delicious-looking steamed buns but nobody really gets to choose these things. There were lots of oranges; green and orange (Orange colored… Ugh, Is orange named orange because it is orange colored or is orange color named so because it is the same as oranges? And how come there is no word that rhymes with orange? Oranges are such a mystery!)

The priestess handed me an orange-colored orange (I’m tired just by typing this) ,chosen among the green oranges. I’m not a fan of eating orange to be honest but it’s fine. I walked back carrying my cute orange and saw him. It was his turn, he came forward calmly and prayed. I cussed mentally, Dear priestess, don’t you dare give him steamed bun or anything tastier than mine! He was given...

An orange orange, 

among green ones

Yes, another orange…orange (this is tiring)

What a coincidence, I thought to myself. Is this because of my envy about food—Nonono, better not, I inwardly muttered. I placed the orange on my head and tried to balance it to distract myself. The prayer session lasted much faster than I expected and we headed downstairs to have vegetarian lunch provided by the temple. I kept coincidentally met him but we really had nothing to talk about.

Then as he was going to head home, he dropped his orange-right in front of me.

His mom laughed, ”You’ve dropped the orange five times”

He sighed and laughed, “I think this orange doesn’t like being with me. You should keep it, mom”

I laughed , I couldn’t help it. That orange joke was funny! “Pfftt, orange not liking you. Hahahahahahah”. 

He chuckled again and spoke in a calm voice, ”You know… Some oranges are meant to be yours while others not. We can’t force those oranges”. He then left, he was avoiding my gaze all the way but I was certain he was talking to me. AND HE SMILED, not glared at me! THAT was surprising. I’m not gonna lie, it made me feel… Happy.

That feeling of eating bread with marmalade, sweet and sour.

(Yes, I know Strawberry jam tastes like that too but since we were discussing orange… Let me use marmalade!)

But wait…

So, that orange wise sayings… We both got same oranges right?

Is he trying to say that I can’t force him to befriend me or is it the other way around? Is he sending me a message to give up or is he expressing apology in an orange way? Then again, it was HIS orange that fell and rejected him so…He's regretting?  But maybe he didn’t mean anything and I’m over-analyzing these oranges.

Umm…

Maybe…Just…

But…

…

I give up! Whatever it is, at least we talked again. I smiled and thought to myself, let some mysteries remain unsolved. For now I will refer to it as…

[Code Orange]  "

The girl smiled and closed her journal,then went to sleep.

 I'm sure I will dream about oranges

P.S : Thank you for inspiring this story with orange quote, my friend. It gave me info to imagine and write this short story!

Deep Inside

Life is a funny thing-It’s fragile as threads yet it is everything we have.

Life crushes us a lot of times, yet we are nothing but a vessel void of soul without it.

The cup of coffee I’m clutching on is damn hot, yet I can barely feel the burning sensation. Bitter…

Bitter…

Depression is a scary thing, it creeps in without any notice and leaves you with nothing.

The life you once treasure becomes an old movie with no sound and only monochrome colors, bland and lacking of spirit. Strangely enough, you feel like your life has always been that way.

Every mellow songs suddenly feel like they’re about you and you want to turn the volume up then cry as loud as you can… But you can’t either. With every fiber of my being and to the core of my whole existence, I’m denying the fact I’m troubled and weak.

Playbacks of what my mother told me won’t stop. She is always angry when I’m weak… Sometimes I wish she knew that I’m not and could never be as strong as her. Have you ever heard people comparing us to those greater or lesser people? “Your life is hard? See those poor children in Africa” “When I was your age, I was already so strong” “Look at your sister, she’s so strong when facing problems”-All those are very unfair.

Everyone lives their own lives, filling in pages of their life books. All stories have different conflicts, small problems in your book may be the main core conflict in another’s story. Put yourself in others’ shoes and you will see how different things are from another’s eyes.

In my life, there is never sincerity nor pure friendship. But I guess it is normal in working world-industry is cold. Everyone seeks for benefits, not friends. I have nobody to trust…

People say “Do something only if all your heart is in it”, but reality is never that supportive. All those office workers being scolded everyday, they would do something else if any other choices. I’m tired too, I know where my passion is but it’s now a far fleeting dream. I’ve given up. I’m tired, beat and battered up.

I want a hug, I want someone to tell me it will be fine and I’m good enough

I don’t want to be alone

I’m so weird but I’m too afraid to meet psychologist

One day I’m cheerful and confident and other days I just curse my every being. I hate this stupid me, the me who’s not reliable and always crying like a child. What the hell is wrong with me?

I know life can never be smooth and I’m being extremely weak, I know. But what’s one to do when she simply feels so powerless? I mustn’t show anyone my weak point, they will leave me… They will hate me… They…

There’s that unjustified fear again. This intense fear that causes me fear waking up every morning. I don’t even want to sleep because then it’d be tomorrow… I’m scared, what if I mess up again? What if I fail again? What if I trouble others…

Stop it, stop

Stop, you mustn’t be this weak

STOP RINGING IN MY HEAD!

“Hey how r u? Still stressed bout work?”, a text flashed on my screen

“ ^^ Good. U?”

What a liar I am… I just want to scream.  Save me… Save me…

“You’re just tired.”-No, it is more than that

“You have frustrating jobs and tasks”-I don’t really like the job but I need the pay

“You are still learning and you will be perfect someday”-Bullshit

But here I am, still alive everyday and still working hard. Still taking aspirins and forcing myself to stay awake. Still laughing with my peers and colleagues everyday. Still talking to clients like I know everything.

And I will always be doing so…

So let me cry for tonight because tomorrow I’m gonna smile again and forget I wrote this. I will keep playing this sad song in my mp3

Replay, replay, replay…

This short writing is dedicated to everyone with voiceless screams, nobody to talk to, self-esteem issues, silent cries. Depression is a scary thing, people may look fine but breaking apart as they smile. This is to explain to people who don’t know what it feels like. It may even result in someone taking their own life.  Look around you and look closely-nobody is really as strong as seen. People aren’t perfect and ironically sometimes imperfections disappoint others. Contradictory, yes, but this is our life reality. Be power to others. And with this I would like to reach out my hands to you all who are crying, so please reach my hands too. You’re not alone. Life has always been a jerk and sincerity is a rare thing nowadays. I’m not exactly strong too, that’s why we must all hold hands and strengthen each other. The story must go on, with everyday brand new chapter.

The pen is in your hand, let’s do it

Warm December

I hate this sight.

I hate seeing all these stupid lovebirds strolling around this shopping mall. Air is cold, Christmas decorations are all over. Funny how places decorated for Christmas always look brighter and sparkling. Don’t get me wrong, I do like the sense of tranquility Christmas emits but I hate seeing all the happy families and couples. Yes, I admit I am such a killjoy.

Earlier today, our lecturer decided to leave early and now here I am…Bored as ever among all these people. It is getting cold but I don’t feel like going home. Why should I go home? Home doesn’t even feel like… home. My so-called “home” is a small apartment room with nobody inside. I left home last year because I couldn’t stand my parents arguing every day. When I told them to just separate, they used me as an excuse to carry on.

Do me a favor and answer: How is forcing to be together good for your child? Unhappy household is the most lethal toxic for children, at least I believe so. For years, I’ve watched them arguing and living without any happiness. I was never happy at all. I don’t even feel like being with my classmates who are busy gossiping about how their parents bought them latest smartphone. Those kinds of stories are sickening, okay? I stare at my wristwatch-In thirty minutes, I’d have to head to my part time workplace. Just a simple donut shop.

I quicken my walking pace and head to the shop.

***

The donut shop “DONUT CASTLE” is crowded as ever, selling tons of special Christmas edition donuts. There are red velvet donuts, berry and mint donuts, gingerbread donuts, Santa-shaped donuts and a box full of cute mini Christmas donuts. My colleague, Mary, is beside me humming a song. Incidentally, she is also the only friend I have.

“You sound chirpy, Mary. Something good happened?”

“Nah, just that my usual joint is having a sale on cosmetics”

“Hmmm…I see”

Mary is the kind of girl who is very updated when it comes to fashion, make up and trends. She’s a blonde 167 cm tall girl who’s very fashionable and pretty. Guests of this shop will always glance at her with pinkish cheeks. I asked her before why she didn’t try being a model but she said that she doesn’t like being recognized by a huge mass of people.

“You know”, Mary spoke, ”I’ve always said this to you but why don’t you try?”

“Try?”

“You know, fashion trends, make up… You’re actually cute you know”

“I just…don’t like that kind of thing”

“It’s kind of a waste. Just give me two hours and I can make you look TOTALLY different”

I just laugh, ”Maybe I will take your offer when there is a big event or party”

“Are you still… Kind of traumatized about two years ago?”

Two years ago, huh? It felt like yesterday. My dad has always been a huge loser, he never loved us at all. I swore all men off, I hate them…I wish I kept hating them two years ago. There was this cute guy who…Made me believe in men once again. He was kind, loving and everything I ever wished for. He treated me like a princess and made me feel whole… Until he left me like a trash.

I guess all men are trash

I know what you’re going to tell me now : Don’t judge the whole ocean just because of a drop of seawater or other sayings but I seriously don’t feel a thing anymore upon seeing the males of human race. I feel like they will hurt me eventually, I have to build my walls.

I have to…

“Hey”

I look up and meet the eyes of a young man with glasses. He’s wearing casual shirt and jeans with white coat,his hands tucked into the pockets.

“Ummm… One hot Americano and two sugar donuts, takeaway”

“Coming right up”

I stuff two donuts into a small box, “Need some extra sugar?”

“Ah no, thank you. My grandma can’t eat too much sugar”

Too much info, but I’m intrigued, “Grandma?”

“Yeah, I’m visiting her for a short while. She likes the donuts here, even though doctors told her not to”

I just laugh and hand him his orders,”That’d be ten dollars”

“Here you go”

“Thanks”

***

Since then, the man frequently visits our shop. Sometimes to buy donuts and other time just for coffee. There’s something enchanting when I see him sitting on the small table and chair at the shop’s corner , reading his book. At times, I wonder what he’s reading about

Seeing him has become a part of my life

And I love his voice when he talks to his grandma, so gently and full of love. Before long, I wonder how it feels to be loved by him. I think this is just how human brains are designed. We fall, we cry, we stand up…And fall again.

We seek for love, no matter how any times it breaks us down. We build walls but wait for that one person who will break the walls. We say we are fed up but we still wish for more. Ironically, you always have fallen to deep when you actually realize it.

Then one day, he comes to the counter.

“Donuts as usual?”

“That and one more thing”

“Berry donut? It’s our current best seller”

“May I have your number, Sheila?”,he said while staring at my name tag

I chuckle and smile

The air is still cold as ever and I hate crowds, but for once I don’t hate the people anymore. The scent of coffee flutters through the shop, I guess this year’s Christmas will be a bit warmer

Threads of Jades side story : Kai's Day Out

It was another peaceful morning in Yuan household

“So let me get this straight, you tried to make…Western food and this is the result?”,Feng shrugged looking at the unidentified black burnt substance on the big plate.

Yue stared at the floor, not saying a thing – clearly avoiding her husband’s eye contact

Silva was too tired after laughing like there was no tomorrow. “I-I taught her how to make French rollcake and she—“, he continued laughing until his tears came out

.

“STOP LAUGHING” Yue snapped

Silva laughed and escaped, leaving Feng and Yue staring at the black…food?

“Oh well-we will just go and eat outside. Father and mother aren’t in town anyway, what do you think?”

“Umm… Sure”

***

Ah Zhong walked around the house, he was bored. He wanted to join Feng and Yue but they told him to be a good boy and rest up at home since he hadn’t fully recovered. Maybe they want me gone because I’m a nuisance to their date, he thought to himself

He decided to search for something fun to do, like bothering Little Master Kai

Ah Zhong tiptoed to Kai’s room and slowly sled the door open, he peeked and saw Kai reading a book. He grinned and suddenly screamed, 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

“GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”,Xiao Kai jumped from his seat.

Ah Zhong laughed hard, leaving Kai angry. “AH ZHONG,HOW DARE YOU!”

“S-sorry,sorry.”,he entered the room and sled the door back shut. The boy then sat beside Kai and poured him a cup of tea.”What are you reading, young master?”,Ah Zhong shifted topic.

“Compilation of paintings of girls”

“Wha…”

“For engagement, Father said”

Rich people are so strange, Ah Zhong inwardly mumbled, He is hardly a big kid yet and they are searching for is wife already. “Let me see”,Ah Zhong snatched the paintings from Kai’s hands.

“Heee,they are quite cute little girls..” Although some are older than Xiao Kai

“Father wants me to choose but how could I choose? I don’t know any of them”

“Hmmm…tell you what, Young Master. Let’s check these girls out”

“Huh?”

“Let’s sneak out”

Kai hesitated, afraid that he would get into trouble yet he was curious too. He pondered a bit and nodded,”Okay but make sure we will not get caught!”

“As you wish”

The two boys snuck out and happily wandered around town , buying snacks, watching street performers. “Young Master Kai,look at that”, Ah Zhong pointed at a family eating in a restaurant. Judging from their attires and bodyguards, it was quite an important family. Their youngest lady was gracefully munching her steamed bun.

“Boring”,Kai grumbled. “So gentle and princesslike,no fun”

Ah, so he likes cheerful energetic girls,Ah Zhong mentally noted

“That girl is one of the noble daughters in your list, Daughter of Xia family”

“Hee… I see”

Ah Zhong then led Xiao Kai to a lot of high-end places to see if they could catch glimpses of his fiancée candidates but none triggered Kai’s interest. They were mostly doing same thing, sewing, learning to arrange flowers  painting and all those things. I guess he is too young for women, Ah Zhong concluded. “I am starving”,Kai puffed his cheeks and grumbled. “Guan Inn is nearby,want to drop by? Your Sister-in-Law once mentioned her mother cooks the best mapo tofu in the world”

 “Hmmm…Sure,why not”

They walked to Guan Inn and was greeted by Hui Zhong the moment they entered the front gate.

“Why , hello Ah Zhong and Little Master Yuan”

“Umm…I want five meat steamed buns, dessert and a bowl of mapo tofu!”,Kai smiled

“Sure, but first let me lead you to your seats”

Wait, did he even bring so much money? Oh my, I didn’t expect him to order so much,AhZhong secretly panicked. “Young Master Kai… Do you…”,he whispered,”..bring enough gold?”

“Nah. I bring nothing!”

I AM DOOMED,Ah Zhong cussed. He couldn’t go back to take more as this sneaking away was supposedly a secret. WhatdoIdowhatdoIdo

Servants brought their orders (well, Kai’s) to table and Kai started eating happily. “YUMMYYY”,Kai smiled. Ah Zhong couldn’t help but laugh at Kai’s face when he was munching so happily. “Afoonghhh”, Kai spoke while eating,”Have you ever loved somebody?”

Ah Zhong was quiet, then he smiled weakly,”Nah, I have never really loved one girl or anything but there used to be some people that I loved with all my existence. I don’t even have clear memories of it anymore but I felt that way. It felt like I’ve lost something very important”

“Brother said you used to wander around woods without any memories nor friends, do you…Miss your family?”

“I don’t even remember anything before I became Ah Zhong so I’m not sure. But one thing, I felt warm in Yuan household. I feel right at home”

“Good!”

“Yes,good” Ah Zhong chuckled. But I wish I could remember , it feels like I lost some very important memories…

Ah Zhong was lost in thoughts when a little girl approached him. “Umm…”,she weakly muttered.

The girl was just adorable with her puffy reddish cheeks and fair skin. Her hair was tied to a pony tail and flower ornaments made her hair look so…Neat. “Mister… Are you in a trouble?”

“W-wha… No, Young Lady” Ah Zhong chuckled

“You looked…Sad”

“I am not”,he smiled

The girl then looked at Kai and smiled,”Hello! I am the daughter of next-door florist! Mom told me to spread happiness to everyone today. Therefore, I will give you each a free flower!”

The girl handed them each a pink flower and she smiled so happily.

“May happiness come to you!”

She then ran away happily, leaving Kai and Ah Zhong speechless. Happiness,huh?

Ah Zhong smiled, feeling warm deep inside. “Young master Ka—“

Kai was just sitting there staring at the direction the girl ran off, his jaw dropping and cheeks blushing. “Umm…”,Ah Zhong tried to interrupt Kai’s “trance” but he wouldn’t budge at all. Kai’s small hands were clutching the pink flower.

Ah Zhong just smiled,

Someone is having his first love

That day, Ah Zhong was lucky enough because Hui Zhong decided to treat Xiao Kai and he didn’t have to wash plates or anything to pay. But he felt free and lighter, and he felt optimistic that happiness will come someday.

Beside him was a blushing boy ,grinning

My oh my, Ah Zhong inwardly muttered